In At The Deep End

J has a friend I find very hard to deal with We do things together because of common interests and because I like his mum, but each time we spend time with him aspects of J come out which I do not like and the two of them together behave in ways I hardly recognise and which make me angry and sad
We see him usually in a situation where in theory I am able to discipline him if need be, but in practice he tends not to listen and when they are together J doesn’t listen either. Together they become loud, bouncy and occasionally aggressive and they tend to push others out of their way. They whisper together, make jokes and comments about others, disrupt activities and generally do their best to wind everyone else up. Today J commented that he wished this friend lived with us; K and L both immediately said, “I don’t!” which saddened me but also made me feel better in a way, because it shows I am not just imagining things. Bob asked if J has the same effect on his friend, i.e. is the friend normally like this and infects J or is he normally calmer and nicer and becomes like this when with J. I’ve never seen him without J there so I don’t know, but I think he is normally louder and more aggressive than J and I know that others have problems dealing with him too, whereas I don’t know of anyone except me who has problems dealing with J (but maybe people just aren’t telling me?)… I know that his mother is worried and is struggling to deal with his behaviour at times, so I’ve not said anything, but it is becoming a real issue for me; I hate to see J acting the way he does around this boy – and the worst thing is that he carries on being like that for a few days afterwards, so if we meet up each fortnight we lose half a week after the meeting to bolshiness and unpleasant behaviour It also concerns me that the people we meet with only see J with this boy so judge his behaviour by that – but maybe that’s just my pride; it reflects on me after all! I keep finding myself wanting to say “I’m really sorry – J isn’t like this normally – only when he’s with *!” and then thinking I can’t do that because *’s mum would be upset, angry or hurt and I don’t want that to happen.
Atm it’s low-level stuff and I know she’s trying to deal with it, but she also has a good line in excuses and reasons. I don’t want to stop doing things they do and I seem to keep inviting them to do things we do, partly because I like her, J likes him (and K does most of the time) and mostly because it’s hard to invite others and not them, but I really don’t like the effect being with him has on J or the lessons their joint behaviour is giving to the younger ones. I guess J has to learn to deal with negative peer pressure some time, but I’d rather it didn’t impact so much on the rest of us. I think we need a serious chat about this soon!

Ugh!

Having just been knocked out for the best part of three days by my first proper bout of mastitis I thought I’d share the joy Actually, I’ve given advice on mastitis so many times now, both on and offline, that I thought it might be a good idea to put my experience down here and then I’ve got something to refer to in future. Any more self-help ideas or references welcome too please

I’ve had warning signs before – blocked ducts, lumps in breast, painful areas, even a slight fever – and always managed to head it off with self-help methods, but this time either it came on very fast or I missed the signs (I was a little distracted by Gina ) I woke at 4 in the morning on Thursday with uncontrollable shivering, teeth chattering, raging thirst and breast pain. No matter what I did I could not get warm, but I was too muzzy headed to realise that this probably meant I had a fever
Feeding A helped a little with the breast pain, although it was rather uncomfortable to do, and then I woke Bob up and insisted he get me warm – poor man! He tried to warm me up with cuddles, blankets, a cup of tea (helped with the raging thirst anyway!) and a hot water bottle and then finally went in search of Ibuprofen (I think I may have been mildly hallucinating by then which I guess helped him realise I needed something!) which helped a little, but we didn’t really get much sleep from then on and by the time Bob should have been leaving for work it was fairly obvious I was in no fit state to look after our 4 small children and the two equally small friends we had sleeping over and he decided (bless him) to take the day off – and run toddlers for me That day I could barely stand up, my breast was hot, red and swollen, and it was hard even to string a sentence together; I stayed in bed all day except when I was in the bath.

I was determined not to take antibiotics unless absolutely necessary so used all the self help techniques I could think of:

- feed as much as possible from the affected side (and feed from that side first , so baby feeds most effectively) but don’t neglect the other side completely or you risk engorgement and possibly mastitis that side too.

- rest as much as you can.

- take ibuprofen (unless you’re allergic to it, obviously) to relieve pain, fever and swelling. Paracetamol (acetaminophen, tylenol) can also be used, but it doesn’t have the anti-inflammatory effect. Don’t forget you can alternate the two as well – I ended up doing this on day two when my temperature began to rise again between ibuprofen doses.

- a warm bath helps enormously. I used this as a chance to express as much as I could to drain the affected breast again, especially when I saw that the milk coming out of the affected ducts was grey-green and stringy and then luminous green and thick – although I’m assured it won’t do any harm I’d rather that went in the bath than in my baby! That gunky milk has to come out somehow and the faster you can strip it from the ducts the more chance you have of clearing the infection quickly.

- on a similar note, use massage or a wide-toothed comb to break up any clogs and to push any infection towards the nipple so that it can drain from the duct. Start well away from the nipple area and push gently but firmly towards it, either whilst nursing or whilst expressing. This is painful to do, but it relieves the swelling and tenderness no end, so is well worth it. I found it hurt less under warm water (ie in the bath).

- feed in different positions and at different angles to make sure that the breast is fully drained. The most effective position (if your baby will oblige – mine kept giggling at me ) is actually to lay the baby down and dangle your breast over his or her mouth so that gravity helps with the drainage as well. Angle yourself so that baby’s chin is pointing towards any painful/swollen/lumpy/red areas, as the chin side does most work at squeezing and so will empty more efficiently You may feel a fool, but I have cleared many a blocked duct this way and thereby avoided the whole mastitis experience I have a big advantage here in that L is still BF too, and she can take direction

By day 2 I had a distinct red patch (looked like a bad sunburn) on my breast and a large lump which I could break up and almost remove by nursing and/or expressing, but which kept returning. I had a fever which I could keep under control by alternating ibuprofen and paracetamol and I felt as though I had been run over by a bus – I think thanks to muscle spasms from all the shivering the day before. I was well enough for DH to go back to work, but just barely – and we didn’t get much done that day (apart from visiting Gina and new baby ). Fortunately I have helpful kids They got to play computer games and watch tv more than usual in return for keeping quiet-ish and playing with the baby too

By day 3 the redness was still there, but a smaller area and less red. The lump was still there, but smaller, easier to get rid of and slower to return. The fever was occasional and the muscle aches almost gone, but my head felt as though it would fall off if I moved too fast That’s when I knew I could get by without ABs this time Luckily it was Saturday, so Bob was able to do childcare again and I was able to get more rest.

Day 4 is today and I still feel shattered, but my breast is pretty much back to normal, bar a little residual tenderness. My head still aches a little and I’m distinctly crabby, but I’ve got through to 9pm without retiring to bed…

Useful links for info on mastitis: BFN
kellymom