Influences

J has a friend I find very hard to deal with 🙁 We do things together because of common interests and because I like his mum, but each time we spend time with him aspects of J come out which I do not like and the two of them together behave in ways I hardly recognise and which make me angry and sad 🙁
We see him usually in a situation where in theory I am able to discipline him if need be, but in practice he tends not to listen and when they are together J doesn’t listen either. Together they become loud, bouncy and occasionally aggressive and they tend to push others out of their way. They whisper together, make jokes and comments about others, disrupt activities and generally do their best to wind everyone else up. Today J commented that he wished this friend lived with us; K and L both immediately said, “I don’t!” which saddened me but also made me feel better in a way, because it shows I am not just imagining things. Bob asked if J has the same effect on his friend, i.e. is the friend normally like this and infects J or is he normally calmer and nicer and becomes like this when with J. I’ve never seen him without J there so I don’t know, but I think he is normally louder and more aggressive than J and I know that others have problems dealing with him too, whereas I don’t know of anyone except me who has problems dealing with J (but maybe people just aren’t telling me?)… I know that his mother is worried and is struggling to deal with his behaviour at times, so I’ve not said anything, but it is becoming a real issue for me; I hate to see J acting the way he does around this boy – and the worst thing is that he carries on being like that for a few days afterwards, so if we meet up each fortnight we lose half a week after the meeting to bolshiness and unpleasant behaviour 🙁 It also concerns me that the people we meet with only see J with this boy so judge his behaviour by that – but maybe that’s just my pride; it reflects on me after all! I keep finding myself wanting to say “I’m really sorry – J isn’t like this normally – only when he’s with *!” and then thinking I can’t do that because *’s mum would be upset, angry or hurt and I don’t want that to happen.
Atm it’s low-level stuff and I know she’s trying to deal with it, but she also has a good line in excuses and reasons. I don’t want to stop doing things they do and I seem to keep inviting them to do things we do, partly because I like her, J likes him (and K does most of the time) and mostly because it’s hard to invite others and not them, but I really don’t like the effect being with him has on J or the lessons their joint behaviour is giving to the younger ones. I guess J has to learn to deal with negative peer pressure some time, but I’d rather it didn’t impact so much on the rest of us. I think we need a serious chat about this soon!

4 thoughts on “Influences”

  1. It’s so hard. Both my two have either friends or situations that bring out the worst in them. I can’t excuse my children because they are guilty of bad behaviour on such occassions but I know it is out of character even if, as you say the people who only encounter them with those friends / in that environment see that as their normal state of being.
    The only thing that comforts me about this is that I do have far greater control over their friends / situations than I would if they were at school. The idea of them being sat next to someone who brought out the worst in them at school for 7 hours a day 5 days a week is horrifying.
    I do talk to D and S about such events after they happen and try and reason it through a bit but in fairness I also know that even as an adult there are people / places which bring out different – and sometimes less than desirable – sides of my personality so I guess it’s not something we ever grow out of.

  2. there are times when Big is the influence, and that really is quite unpleasant to deal with! I find myself apologising lots at that point as well as trying to ameliorate the effects. If it’s the other way around, I do try to cut the contacts down – we have enough behaviours to deal with without aquiring more.

  3. It’s not quite the same as unwanted behaviours are not being picked up but we have one family we only really see in outside spaces as being confined seemed to be difficult for their daughter. I have always been very honest with the mum and said what I could and couldn’t cope with, so we meet at parks and woods and external neutral places just ourselves, not with other HE-ers (when the children seem to group and then there can be conflict or some provoking behaviours that cause eruptions) or where there is an expectation of acceptable behaviour. It works better for all of us this way. I am more relaxed and so we all enjoy the time much more.

  4. its a difficult one Katy, particularly if you are friends with the mum. i think one option is to say that together they are too boisterous within a group, but they and parents obviously friends, so should meet up somewhere where that boisterousness is more acceptable – a good soft play area perhaps.

    some friendships perhaps need more coaxing, and help with ground rules.
    SB and one of her HE friends are desperate to be good friends, but they have needed quite a bit of support and help over the years. I think they are gradually getting to a place where they can get on with it, but her mum and I have had a fair number of discussions about it! it helps that we like each other enough to be honest about how potentially things can be shifted on to a plane where the kids enjoy each others company and there is less fall out! and TBH, apart from verbal encouragement to talk and walk in the others shoes, we have tried to be hands off and non-sided [because it does always take 2, J has an opportunity to not participate]. SO a good heart to heart with the mother might help.

    j is of an age that perhaps if you sit him down and say how it affects him, and also you and sibs, and that if it carries on, you will have to limit them seeing each other, he may be more respectful of others. prob easier to do this after chat with his mother.

    I think he is lovely and polite BTW! and never been a problem in the science.

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