Comments on: Influences http://www.inatthedeepend.org/2008/03/14/influences/ Just another WordPress blog Sat, 22 Nov 2008 05:13:18 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.2 By: HelenHaricot http://www.inatthedeepend.org/2008/03/14/influences/#comment-10095 HelenHaricot Sat, 15 Mar 2008 01:28:39 +0000 http://www.inatthedeepend.org/2008/03/14/influences/#comment-10095 its a difficult one Katy, particularly if you are friends with the mum. i think one option is to say that together they are too boisterous within a group, but they and parents obviously friends, so should meet up somewhere where that boisterousness is more acceptable - a good soft play area perhaps. some friendships perhaps need more coaxing, and help with ground rules. SB and one of her HE friends are desperate to be good friends, but they have needed quite a bit of support and help over the years. I think they are gradually getting to a place where they can get on with it, but her mum and I have had a fair number of discussions about it! it helps that we like each other enough to be honest about how potentially things can be shifted on to a plane where the kids enjoy each others company and there is less fall out! and TBH, apart from verbal encouragement to talk and walk in the others shoes, we have tried to be hands off and non-sided [because it does always take 2, J has an opportunity to not participate]. SO a good heart to heart with the mother might help. j is of an age that perhaps if you sit him down and say how it affects him, and also you and sibs, and that if it carries on, you will have to limit them seeing each other, he may be more respectful of others. prob easier to do this after chat with his mother. I think he is lovely and polite BTW! and never been a problem in the science. its a difficult one Katy, particularly if you are friends with the mum. i think one option is to say that together they are too boisterous within a group, but they and parents obviously friends, so should meet up somewhere where that boisterousness is more acceptable - a good soft play area perhaps.

some friendships perhaps need more coaxing, and help with ground rules.
SB and one of her HE friends are desperate to be good friends, but they have needed quite a bit of support and help over the years. I think they are gradually getting to a place where they can get on with it, but her mum and I have had a fair number of discussions about it! it helps that we like each other enough to be honest about how potentially things can be shifted on to a plane where the kids enjoy each others company and there is less fall out! and TBH, apart from verbal encouragement to talk and walk in the others shoes, we have tried to be hands off and non-sided [because it does always take 2, J has an opportunity to not participate]. SO a good heart to heart with the mother might help.

j is of an age that perhaps if you sit him down and say how it affects him, and also you and sibs, and that if it carries on, you will have to limit them seeing each other, he may be more respectful of others. prob easier to do this after chat with his mother.

I think he is lovely and polite BTW! and never been a problem in the science.

]]> By: Michelle http://www.inatthedeepend.org/2008/03/14/influences/#comment-10094 Michelle Sat, 15 Mar 2008 00:50:16 +0000 http://www.inatthedeepend.org/2008/03/14/influences/#comment-10094 It's not quite the same as unwanted behaviours are not being picked up but we have one family we only really see in outside spaces as being confined seemed to be difficult for their daughter. I have always been very honest with the mum and said what I could and couldn't cope with, so we meet at parks and woods and external neutral places just ourselves, not with other HE-ers (when the children seem to group and then there can be conflict or some provoking behaviours that cause eruptions) or where there is an expectation of acceptable behaviour. It works better for all of us this way. I am more relaxed and so we all enjoy the time much more. It’s not quite the same as unwanted behaviours are not being picked up but we have one family we only really see in outside spaces as being confined seemed to be difficult for their daughter. I have always been very honest with the mum and said what I could and couldn’t cope with, so we meet at parks and woods and external neutral places just ourselves, not with other HE-ers (when the children seem to group and then there can be conflict or some provoking behaviours that cause eruptions) or where there is an expectation of acceptable behaviour. It works better for all of us this way. I am more relaxed and so we all enjoy the time much more.

]]> By: jax http://www.inatthedeepend.org/2008/03/14/influences/#comment-10093 jax Sat, 15 Mar 2008 00:28:11 +0000 http://www.inatthedeepend.org/2008/03/14/influences/#comment-10093 there are times when Big is the influence, and that really is quite unpleasant to deal with! I find myself apologising lots at that point as well as trying to ameliorate the effects. If it's the other way around, I do try to cut the contacts down - we have enough behaviours to deal with without aquiring more. there are times when Big is the influence, and that really is quite unpleasant to deal with! I find myself apologising lots at that point as well as trying to ameliorate the effects. If it’s the other way around, I do try to cut the contacts down - we have enough behaviours to deal with without aquiring more.

]]> By: Nic http://www.inatthedeepend.org/2008/03/14/influences/#comment-10092 Nic Fri, 14 Mar 2008 23:33:55 +0000 http://www.inatthedeepend.org/2008/03/14/influences/#comment-10092 It's so hard. Both my two have either friends or situations that bring out the worst in them. I can't excuse my children because they are guilty of bad behaviour on such occassions but I know it is out of character even if, as you say the people who only encounter them with those friends / in that environment see that as their normal state of being. The only thing that comforts me about this is that I do have far greater control over their friends / situations than I would if they were at school. The idea of them being sat next to someone who brought out the worst in them at school for 7 hours a day 5 days a week is horrifying. I do talk to D and S about such events after they happen and try and reason it through a bit but in fairness I also know that even as an adult there are people / places which bring out different - and sometimes less than desirable - sides of my personality so I guess it's not something we ever grow out of. It’s so hard. Both my two have either friends or situations that bring out the worst in them. I can’t excuse my children because they are guilty of bad behaviour on such occassions but I know it is out of character even if, as you say the people who only encounter them with those friends / in that environment see that as their normal state of being.
The only thing that comforts me about this is that I do have far greater control over their friends / situations than I would if they were at school. The idea of them being sat next to someone who brought out the worst in them at school for 7 hours a day 5 days a week is horrifying.
I do talk to D and S about such events after they happen and try and reason it through a bit but in fairness I also know that even as an adult there are people / places which bring out different - and sometimes less than desirable - sides of my personality so I guess it’s not something we ever grow out of.

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